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Asking myself

…Where my writer’s voice went.

I know that after my oldest daughter went back to the States I lost pieces of myself.

Certainly…My writer’s voice.

Even the camera.

The one thing I never grew tired of.

I didn’t have heart when I picked it up.

Each day, the camera, this blog, the steps, thinking, being…All of it became too heavy.

When my daughter went back, I needed time to feel the pain.

I didn’t do it.

Instead, I pushed it all down deep inside me where it wouldn’t hurt. I did what I have always done.

I went on.
As if nothing had happened.

Yet, something had happened.

I had changed even if I am still the same.

I must find myself again.

I have found that in life we grow, we change and we become.
I am picking up all that pain instead of shoving it into the dark.
I am stronger for it.

I am (now) able to go on growing, changing and becoming.

Today, I picked up the camera as my son played. It was the first time in a long time that I have picked it up with heart. I could almost feel the picture forming in my head. Almost.

When I take photos, it is out of a love for photography that swallows everything.

I don’t think about the technical aspects of the picture. I don’t want to.

I see a moment and I capture it with my tool, my camera.

Everything should be so simple.

A boy and his train

Boy Blue playing with his train

Comments on this entry are closed.

  • expatraveler May 29, 2009, 2:45 pm

    So very cool! I loved taking photos like that while in North Van of the cat and dog… I do miss that.. And I too also know that I have not been into photography much… I think I know why.. And it is something eating me up inside as well, nothing like that of not being able to see your daughter (just trying to find somewhere to train)…

    I do hope it all comes back to you. My heart is out there, bleeding for Switzerland of course. :)

    • Pumpkin June 1, 2009, 12:21 pm

      I really wish I could bottle up some of Switzerland and send it to you!

  • anne May 29, 2009, 5:45 pm

    I am so happy that you are able to go on growing, changing and becoming! Very very tough times for you back then, not something that a lot of people have to cope with in their lives. You will come through it all. Yes we change and become stronger, but as you say, the change has to come from within.

    I should practice what I preach !! I carry on as though things are fine, yet deep down, it is all still there..

    Take care of yourself..Hugs for you Anne

    • Pumpkin June 1, 2009, 12:22 pm

      I still think about you and I do hope that it is getting better for you as well.

  • Susan May 30, 2009, 5:26 pm

    Bless you, Pumpkin – thank you for sharing your heart, here on your blog.

    • Pumpkin June 1, 2009, 12:23 pm

      Thank you, Susan. It is good for me to get it out and I do hope helps others that may find it here when they need it as I have found others words when I needed theirs.

  • Hexe June 2, 2009, 1:55 pm

    I have wonder how you are coping and are glad to know you are slowly finding your way.

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