When I had to leave France I was bitter and afraid. I was happy and bold. I was lost and found all at the same moment.
I see the good and the bad in both countries. I would prefer to spend six months in France and six months in America. I wish I could have both all year long. But, I cannot.
I have found that as I have written over the past months on this blog I have let it spill from the gutt. When you read many of the posts they are unedited and written from the heart or so quickly that it wasn’t worth a read any old how.
I keep blogging because it is a home when I really don’t have a home of my own. This blog is mine. It is mine with the good and the bad. I can say what I want when I want. I have made friends and learned more about myself since I started this blog than I ever thought possible.
I hope that as you read this blog you understood that it was my personal journal. It was full of my thoughts and opinions which changed and grew as I did. I grew up during this past year and at times I showed my immature side. I know that I can be naive and that I can say things that I regret later. I know.
I think many of you started reading this blog thinking I was in love with France and adapted so well. In a way that was true at the time I started this blog. If I would have been able to write during the first year and a half my entries would not have been so full of French love. I have always had a love affair with France through movies and history books.
The thing is that actually living in another country takes some getting used to. It takes time. It takes understanding and it takes letting go. I had to let go of all my Americanism and become just a woman living in France. I had to look at France through clear eyes. I had to stop and think that France would not change for me. I had to change. I was right. I did change but I was and will always be American. I was not happy about issues in France in regard to equality in the workplace. I still think that it is unfair and much work needs to be done in this area. I do understand that there are issues in America and I do and will talk about these as well. No country is perfect…not France and not America. Talking about what is not completely right is what makes way for change. Then and only then can changes which are for the right and good begin.
Let me continue for a little longer and I will come full circle like I always do. It is how I think and how I write.
I don’t always write about France in a negative light because so many others already do. I did write the entry about how I was upset in regard to discrimination in France when I was asked how many children I have during an interview. I think I should have written that post with more facts behind me and less emotion. This particular post is a perfect example for what I am getting at.
Starting this year, I will write my posts clearly and with all the consideration and responsiblity that comes with writing for the public. I never wrote before with the idea that I was writing for others with the exception of my Thinking Thursday posts. Most posts were written for me or my children. I was writing for us and not you. I was writing without considering the effect I would have on others.
When I started this blog, I had no idea that others would read it. I never thought people would come back again and again. I just thought I was writing to be writing. I was getting whatever was bugging me out of my system. So, I wasn’t worried about being professional. I regret it now.
I know that is not what this blog is now. I have seen where I have touched other bloggers in good and sometimes bad ways. I am sorry about the bad. I am not always tactful.
That is it. I want to always write with tact. I want to write with the intelligence and sensitivity of the person I am. This blog is not my personal journal. If it were it would be on pen and paper with none of you able to read it.
I know that I will upset some of you as I continue writing this blog. I will say things that you feel are unfair or untrue. All I can do is promise that I will try to be as fair and true to the facts as I can be in the future. I cannot promise that I am not going to write about things that I dislike in America or in France. I think that is dishonest and unfair. I will write with passion and honesty. I will write with a clarity of mind that I think will make this blog a much better read.
I am on a journey where I am going to stop hiding behind laziness and closed eyes. My eyes have been closed. I have been lying to myself too long. I will not lie anylonger.
Each post will be a truth about my life or myself. I will tell things like they are. I am going to slow myself down. I think too fast and react too fast. I usually regret it later.
This blog is my place to share with others who I really am.
I would like to ask you to forgive my blog posts from the past seven months or so.
I was and still am a person that was a little lost between two countries.
However, I am coming together, again.
No matter what I am me. I will not try to be someone else.
This blog is going to get a lot more real.
That is my promise to myself and to you for 2007.
Here’s to coming together again.