Today was a wonderful day. I spent it alone with Boy Blue in a sunshine filled living room. His sisters spent the day at the grandparents and Papa is away for the week training for his job in another region. Boy Blue and I took advantage of the quiet and played on the floor and on the futon together. I didn’t have to worry about the girls jumping or falling on my Boy Blue or getting jealous and trying to climb into my lap pushing him out. It was just he and I. We laughed, sang, danced and we took lots of pictures.
It had been a long time since I turned the camera loose on him. He had grown so much and I soon felt sorry that I had waited so long. Boy Blue and I made a video for his biggest sister but couldn’t add music. I don’t think Angel Girl will care. She will love it.
I really miss her lately. It is getting harder each day to wait for her. I think it is harder now because at Christmas she was here for not even two weeks. So, when it is time for her to come in the summer, I am beside myself with waiting and waiting and waiting.
I have trained myself not to think about it so much. I tuck it down deep so that I can go about my daily life without my heart stopping every hour as I remember her laugh or smile or the way that she talks non stop. I miss her. I just miss her.
So, tonight when the two stinker girls came back from the grandparents house, I was happy to see them. They are good at keeping my thoughts off missing Angel Girl. They are good at keeping my thoughts off anything and everything by keeping them out of everything and anything.
Not long after they got back, I had to clean up an “accident” that Sweet Bear had in her pants. She was so excited about telling me how her day went at the grandparents that she forgot to go pee pee and I forgot to remind her.
Petite Clown took this as the perfect moment to get a picture of Angel Girl down from near the computer. It was up high on purpose. She has grown taller than I had thought.
It is a blue and white snowflake made out of a spongy type of material with a small second grade picture of Angel Girl glued in the middle. Angel Girl made it for me at school our last Christmas together in America. I carried it to France with me in my purse. I love to look up at the picture when I think of her which is several times during the day.
Petite Clown took the snowflake down and shreaded it into tiny pieces scattering them all over the floor next to the computer desk.
When I saw the pieces, I bent down to pick them up thinking they were just from a magazine or coloring book. I realized, as I got closer, that these were pieces of my snowflake. My heart burst joining the scattered snowflake pieces across the floor. I did find Angel Girls picture. It was bent but whole. I held it gently in my fingers looking into her eyes. I pressed my lips against the picture as tears gathered thick in my own eyes.
Petite Clown sat on the couch watching me. She said nothing. She knew what she had just done was beyond anything she had ever done before. She had broken and torn and scribbled and scratched things before. She had made me upset with her doing these things. The difference is she had never hurt me doing these things until now.
Her punishment was watching her mother break down right in front of her knowing full well it was all because of her. She sat and watched me tearfully pick up the scattered pieces of my snowflake that she had broken. She understood for the first time in her life that she can hurt someone. She understood that she had hurt me.
I never said a word to her. I know she is sorry. I forgive her. She is only two. She didn’t know better.
I can’t replace the snowflake. I will keep the pieces in a box. I will remember today not for being the day that I lost my snowflake, but for being the day that I lost my baby Petite Clown.
Today, Petite Clown became a girl. She is no longer a baby. She knows she has the power to hurt and I saw in her eyes that she felt sorry for hurting.
She is growing into a beautiful girl.