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Picking up the scattered pieces of a snowflake

Today was a wonderful day. I spent it alone with Boy Blue in a sunshine filled living room. His sisters spent the day at the grandparents and Papa is away for the week training for his job in another region. Boy Blue and I took advantage of the quiet and played on the floor and on the futon together. I didn’t have to worry about the girls jumping or falling on my Boy Blue or getting jealous and trying to climb into my lap pushing him out. It was just he and I. We laughed, sang, danced and we took lots of pictures.

It had been a long time since I turned the camera loose on him. He had grown so much and I soon felt sorry that I had waited so long. Boy Blue and I made a video for his biggest sister but couldn’t add music. I don’t think Angel Girl will care. She will love it.

I really miss her lately. It is getting harder each day to wait for her. I think it is harder now because at Christmas she was here for not even two weeks. So, when it is time for her to come in the summer, I am beside myself with waiting and waiting and waiting.

I have trained myself not to think about it so much. I tuck it down deep so that I can go about my daily life without my heart stopping every hour as I remember her laugh or smile or the way that she talks non stop. I miss her. I just miss her.

So, tonight when the two stinker girls came back from the grandparents house, I was happy to see them. They are good at keeping my thoughts off missing Angel Girl. They are good at keeping my thoughts off anything and everything by keeping them out of everything and anything.

Not long after they got back, I had to clean up an “accident” that Sweet Bear had in her pants. She was so excited about telling me how her day went at the grandparents that she forgot to go pee pee and I forgot to remind her.

Petite Clown took this as the perfect moment to get a picture of Angel Girl down from near the computer. It was up high on purpose. She has grown taller than I had thought.

It is a blue and white snowflake made out of a spongy type of material with a small second grade picture of Angel Girl glued in the middle. Angel Girl made it for me at school our last Christmas together in America. I carried it to France with me in my purse. I love to look up at the picture when I think of her which is several times during the day.

Petite Clown took the snowflake down and shreaded it into tiny pieces scattering them all over the floor next to the computer desk.

When I saw the pieces, I bent down to pick them up thinking they were just from a magazine or coloring book. I realized, as I got closer, that these were pieces of my snowflake. My heart burst joining the scattered snowflake pieces across the floor. I did find Angel Girls picture. It was bent but whole. I held it gently in my fingers looking into her eyes. I pressed my lips against the picture as tears gathered thick in my own eyes.

Petite Clown sat on the couch watching me. She said nothing. She knew what she had just done was beyond anything she had ever done before. She had broken and torn and scribbled and scratched things before. She had made me upset with her doing these things. The difference is she had never hurt me doing these things until now.

Her punishment was watching her mother break down right in front of her knowing full well it was all because of her. She sat and watched me tearfully pick up the scattered pieces of my snowflake that she had broken. She understood for the first time in her life that she can hurt someone. She understood that she had hurt me.

I never said a word to her. I know she is sorry. I forgive her. She is only two. She didn’t know better.

I can’t replace the snowflake. I will keep the pieces in a box. I will remember today not for being the day that I lost my snowflake, but for being the day that I lost my baby Petite Clown.

Today, Petite Clown became a girl. She is no longer a baby. She knows she has the power to hurt and I saw in her eyes that she felt sorry for hurting.

She is growing into a beautiful girl.

Comments on this entry are closed.

  • kim March 16, 2006, 3:59 am

    My goodness, tears welled up in my eyes too:(
    I’m sure she will never venture to do something like that again..:)

  • Pauline March 16, 2006, 9:01 am

    Oh no, Pumpkin what a shame, something that was so precious to you.

    As you say she is only 2, barely out of babyhood. I guess she’ll break other things too; it goes with being a kid …it was an accident.

    My brother gave me a very nice digital camera and I let Leon hang it round his neck in a walk in the forest one day. He ran off and came back, no camera. We never found the camera and we both ended in tears. My entire fault he was just being a kid of his age, I should have known better, not him.

    I did learn from that, that it is best to keep precious things away from little hands, it just not worth the risk. Saves a lot of heartbreak.

    I really do feel for you being away from your oldest daughter, I can only imagine how difficult that must be. I don’t think there are any words that the people like me out here in “blogland” can say to help you, other than we sympathies. If it helps talking about it in your blog that’s great

  • Pumpkin March 16, 2006, 9:10 am

    It does help. I can’t really tell my daughter because she knows and misses me too. We talk about all the things going on in our lives and how much we can’t wait to see each other. It is only when she is here that we tell each other how hard it really is. We let out all those months of waiting and just lay around on the couch for a few day to catch up. She won’t share me with her sisters the first few days. She tells them that they had me all year long.
    It is my fault for not putting it away in a box in the first place. My Petite Clown is getting bigger and bigger and into things now when she did not before. Sweet Bear would only look at it and then gently put it back. She misses her big sister too.

  • peepfrench March 16, 2006, 11:08 am

    Did you know it was a full moon yesterday, Pumpkin?

    My Emy threw a huge temper tantrum in the middle of a grocery store, because the cashier gave her a lollipop; and I refused to let her eat it right away as it was close to dinner time! :(

    Angel Girl comes across to me like an understanding big sister. I’m sure if you told her what Petite Clown did, she would understand that her little sister could not have known what her snowflake meant to you…

    And maybe she’d make you another one? :D

    Although I know what you really want the most is her by your side…

  • Pumpkin March 16, 2006, 11:16 am

    Every single day is a full moon in this house ;)

    You know, I think I will have her make me something when she is here. I have been wanting to learn how to knit. Maybe, this summer she and I can do that. She wants to learn how to quilt as well. I think it would be fun if she and I picked up one of these together over the summer and made each other something to remember the other by when we are not together. I have been thinking about doing that since last summer but with Boy Blue just being born I didn’t have a lot of time.

    Children just don’t understand that they have to wait until dinner. It is all about immediate satisfaction. :)

  • samantha March 16, 2006, 2:39 pm

    Oh Pumpkin, how sad to lose something so precious to you. I don’t know if I could’ve kept myself from yelling if I’d been in the same situation.

  • Pumpkin March 16, 2006, 3:14 pm

    I saw how she was sitting so still watching me and I saw that she was a little afraid and that she knew she had hurt me. Normally, I would have put her in her room for timeout and yelled at her telling her how I was upset and why. But, I saw she was sorry in her eyes. So, I didn’t punish her more.

  • cj March 16, 2006, 5:34 pm

    A few months ago Thea told me she flushed my wedding ring down the toilet. Erick assured me that it was “just a ring” and said that we’d save up and get me a new one. (I’m guessing that would take until Gracie is out of college to come up with that kind of money.) I cried a lot, we’re talking whole body heaves here…. I can only imagine how it must have felt to see the snowflake broken. Thankfully I found my wedding ring one day when getting some lipgloss – it was pushed into a tub of gloss. I as THRILLED to have my rock back and felt like strining my three year old up. She has no idea about value yet…. and often will say “lets just go buy a new one.”

    Treasures and trinkets are so important…. but have a tendency to break. No matter how many snowflakes break you will always know how your daughter makes you feel and that is something that can never be taken away! :)

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