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What I have learned is…

that I don’t understand people.  I just don’t. 

Sometimes, I wonder if it isn’t me that is the problem.  Maybe…just maybe…I am a spoiled brat.  I haven’t really lived the life of a spoiled brat in many respects.  I have had a hard life even if I think it has been very beautiful at times.  I could tell you stories about my childhood that would make you wonder.  I do understand that we all have those stories.  But, my parents did spoil me in many ways.  I see that now.  I don’t think I am spoiled now.  As a mother and an adult I have grown from my own trials in life and that has made me a stronger and more thoughtful person.

I try my best to be a good person.  I try to make everyone happy around me.  So, why am I so sad now?  Why do I feel like I have failed?  Why do I feel so lost and helpless?  Why don’t I trust anyone?  Why do I want to hold my children against me and scream?  Why have Vilay and I lost our parents save my father?  We weren’t bad.  We tried to not step on toes.  We did the best we could do.  Really…we did.  Yet, it all seems like a joke now.  My children miss their grandparents in France and now they miss thier grandmother in America…my mother.  I wish it was my fault.  I wish I could say it was because I didn’t try…because I didn’t care.  It wasn’t.  I did try to make it all work.  I did care.  However, it didn’t matter.  And, now. My children only have my father and his wife…and I am afraid.  I am angry.  I just can’t understand it all.  I can’t. 

Perhaps it is simply that I really just don’t understand people and that is the root of all the problems. 

Comments on this entry are closed.

  • cj October 22, 2006, 3:36 am

    You sound so hurt. I am so sorry you have to go through this. I wish I had a magic wand that could make things “all better”.

  • Pam October 22, 2006, 9:50 am

    I hope that you embrace the understanding that you have of yourself and that that may give you a bit of comfort during this challenging time. ((hugs)) and take care.

  • Pumpkin October 22, 2006, 2:28 pm

    Thank you both. I know it will get better after some time has passed. However, I don’t understand why people would want to alienate their own children. It is as if Vilay and I are these hateful mean people when we are not.

  • peepfrench October 22, 2006, 2:45 pm

    I wish I knew some words of comfort to say other than sorry…

    You and your family are in my daily thoughts, Madame Citrouille. If ever you would need a listening ear, you have my e-mail.

    Take Care

  • kim October 23, 2006, 6:25 am

    ooh pumpkin, I’m so sorry for these trials and tribulation that you must endure at the moment…but just remember, what doesn’t kill you will only make you stronger!! Good luck to you all! things will work out how they are supposed and later you will think…gee, if that wouldn’t have happened, this wouldn’t have been able to happen…so just remember, you are being forced into a certain direction, and these things that keep happening, must be essential for wherever you are going…hopefully when your destination is reached..there will be also forgiveness all around for everyone:) (does that make sense?? It’s kinda late, and sometimes i ramble:)
    xoxo bisous, kim

  • Cathy Y. October 23, 2006, 3:07 pm

    Don’t feel alone, Pumpkin, in your situation. Our Sarah (the child Philippe and I have together) doesn’t have much in the way of grandparents, either. Philippe’s parents are both deceased, my Dad lives 1000 miles away and has only seen her twice, my mom lives near but has “issues” and is pretty much uninvolved in our lives. I have a Grandpa still living but he’s in his 90s and lives far away, too. This kind of stuff happens, and I don’t mean to use a pat phrase but you just have to make the best of it. I’m sad that Sarah won’t have the rich kind of “grandparent life” I had with mine when I was a kid, but I can’t manufacture grandparents for her. I just have to do what I can. You will find your way with this. Just love your kids and do the best you can for them, and know that there are those who understand.

  • buzzgirl October 23, 2006, 5:46 pm

    Pumpkin, I too am sorry for the struggles you’re having with family. It does always seem to be that the ones who we love (and who love us) the most are the ones who can cause the most pain.

    I truly believe that this difficulty will pass, and that when you’re settled in Florida, your family will find it’s way back.

    Best wishes to you, Vilay and the kids.

  • Pumpkin October 23, 2006, 9:04 pm

    Thank you to all of you. I feel better today. I know over time it will become easier.

  • Julie October 24, 2006, 3:09 am

    Don’t blame yourself. Things will get better. They have to. I am sorry for you and your family, and for the pain you feel from the people who should love your whole family.

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