that I don’t understand people. I just don’t.
Sometimes, I wonder if it isn’t me that is the problem. Maybe…just maybe…I am a spoiled brat. I haven’t really lived the life of a spoiled brat in many respects. I have had a hard life even if I think it has been very beautiful at times. I could tell you stories about my childhood that would make you wonder. I do understand that we all have those stories. But, my parents did spoil me in many ways. I see that now. I don’t think I am spoiled now. As a mother and an adult I have grown from my own trials in life and that has made me a stronger and more thoughtful person.
I try my best to be a good person. I try to make everyone happy around me. So, why am I so sad now? Why do I feel like I have failed? Why do I feel so lost and helpless? Why don’t I trust anyone? Why do I want to hold my children against me and scream? Why have Vilay and I lost our parents save my father? We weren’t bad. We tried to not step on toes. We did the best we could do. Really…we did. Yet, it all seems like a joke now. My children miss their grandparents in France and now they miss thier grandmother in America…my mother. I wish it was my fault. I wish I could say it was because I didn’t try…because I didn’t care. It wasn’t. I did try to make it all work. I did care. However, it didn’t matter. And, now. My children only have my father and his wife…and I am afraid. I am angry. I just can’t understand it all. I can’t.
Perhaps it is simply that I really just don’t understand people and that is the root of all the problems.